Writer´s block

So another day ends.

My days currently look like this: I wake up at some point, drag myself into the kitchen, build up my laptop on the table, have breakfast while surfing the Internet, hoping that something important and remarkable has happened so I´m excused from working on my essays. The Internet disappoints me with a reliability I wish I had when it comes to writing. So I have to work. So I get started…

…or so I try. Currently I´d rather wash a pile of dirty dishes than open a Word document. So opening the document requires force. Sometimes I feel so listless that making myself work hurts almost physically.

The document is opened. I reward myself by getting some crisps, because I am fairly sure I´m already hungry again. No surprise, breakfast was an hour ago. Of course I cannot write while eating crisps. Let me check my e-mails again. Oh, now I´m thirsty. Who would have guessed so?

Okay, but now I really need to get some work done. Let´s focus…focus…. …hey, has it ever occurred to you how strange it is that psychics never win the lottery?

It is afternoon. I have made a lot of progress on the theory of everything; everything except my essays, that is. Also, I have about five different blog entries in mind I would just love to write right now. But that would not be okay. I need to work on my essays, after all. So. Let´s stare at that empty Word document for some longer.

Thank goodness it´s dinner time.

10 p.m. 5 sentences written. Today is a good day.

Midnight. I think I deserve some time for surfing, blogging and reading pointless Wikipedia articles.

2:30 a.m. Maybe I should go to bed now. After all, I have to work tomorrow. Deadlines are closing in. It will be fine. It will aaaaall be fine. *Apocalypse now? Please? Pretty please?*

Okay, folks, how do I get out of this vicious circle? I can make myself sit in front of an empty Word document all day, but I cannot make my braincells spring into action. It is agonizing. Most of the time I even want to work. I like the subjects I picked for my essays. But my thoughts just spin around in circles and suddenly end up completely elsewhere. And it is this awful, nasty, no-good state of mind that makes me dread opening Word.

Thinking complicated thoughts is suddenly impossible. I cannot even focus on the most simple stuff as soon as I try to put it into precise, intelligent-sounding sentences. Whenever I try I wonder if I have any idea what I am talking about, if my teachers will have any idea what I am talking about, and if I´m even using the correct prepositions or if my constantly writing in English has thoroughly fucked up my German.

I wonder if my brain needs more stimulation. Last time I could work on my essays was when I was actually supposed to listen to a speech. Or I need less sleep. For some reason I function better when I´m didn´t get quite enough sleep. There are just not as many things happening in my brain at the same time. My thoughts slow down. I worry and ruminate less, but I don´t get excited about a stream of thought and let myself be carried away by it, either.

So. Either I must tire out my brain, or I must lead a more stressful life so I have to write my essays en passant, with no time to think about each and every sentence. Maybe my mind and creativity are just rebellious, though. Maybe I need to make myself believe that actually I´m supposed to write blog entries. I absolutely must, otherwise I´ll be kicked out of the Internet forever *oh noes*. Huh. Like they´d fall for that.




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