Gibberish about anger and humiliation

Uhm…wow. First off, I´m really surprised (and delighted) that even after a ten day lack of activity on this blog people still seem to look at it. It is almost eerie that my negativity doesn´t scare people off straight away, because in real life it usually does. So…uh…thanks for stopping by.

I could make this post another top notch rant because after today´s game and the things I just read I feel really, really pissed off, but the last time I truly let the beast out a reader asked me why I keep on looking into stuff which I know will make me angry.

Yeah, why? I mean…why do I torture myself like that?

I wrote about how I´m an anger addict on some level, but I think that´s just a label which covers up my lack of an explanation. It is also a way to wear with pride an accusation that is bound to pop up at some point. “You just want to be angry.” – “Yeah, I´m an anger addict, I love to hate, so fuck off or I´ll hate you too!”

I cannot stand that accusation to begin with. There are Oh. So. Many. People out there who claim that they are specifically understanding. They don´t just judge you for you (clearly-out-of-line) behavior. They want to know what makes you act that way. Why do you rant like this? They always let on that you should be grateful that someone is ready to listen to you. The majority of people (“da evil society”) will simply reject you (uh, bollocks, “the majority of people” probably love a good rant). They assume that there is some subconscious problem that makes you so angry. They name the problem and expect you to be healed. You aren´t healed. Disappointed bawling: “You just want to be angry!!!” Implied meaning: You are evil and uncooperative, you fooled me into thinking you have a problem, but if I can´t fix it, then it´s not really a problem, it´s just you intentionally being difficult!

I tell you what little Miss-Helper-Syndrome: You think you are so special and empathic and understanding, even towards outcasts of society, but true sympathy for the devil does not stop at cases like mine. They are were it starts.  

Really, if you are serious about understanding those who are inexplicably irrational, self-defeating and “evil” then don´t assume you will find a pretty, shiny rose garden of good intentions under their tough facade. If you cannot love and understand me when I want to be angry and difficult and childish, then don´t claim that you love and understand me. I don´t exist just so you can feel like a good person.

Uh…how exactly did I get here? I was talking about how I hate the whole accusation associated with the anger addiction label. Yes. Now what you just got was my this-is-how-big-my-balls-are-you-really-want-a-fight?-reply. A pre-emptive counter attack on anyone who dares to judge or criticize me for being-angry-even-though-I-don´t-need-to. Oh, and a whole lot of bitterness that stems from unfortunate experiences with former friends who happen to be hobby psychologists. Fuck them.

Now for the ugly stuff: Being accused of wanting to be angry kills me if it hits me unprepared. You know…the shame! I´m cheerfully ranting, believing I´m entertaining everybody else who are glad that somebody eloquently puts into words what annoys them about the world – and they are just put off by it! It´s like letting somebody run straight against a wall.

When I let someone in on my rantings, especially when they are unjust, childish and almost self-ironic (but really just almost, like when you´ve just lost against a better team and rant about how you hate their stupid striker always scoring goals against your team, I mean, hello, what a fucking twat!) it is an expression of trust. I trust them that they will accept my feelings and help me deal with them (you need to let out your frustration somehow, after all).  Of course I know my anger is unreasonable, that´s why it is so hard to bear. That´s why it hurts so much, why it is so humiliating, why I need to get it out of my system, why I need some kind of comforting validation from a like-minded friend. “Yes, we both know that striker is actually good, handsome and a great sportsman and we´d love to have him on our team, but come on…everybody hates a Gary Stu, right? Arrogant prick, hope he scores an own goal next!” A little bit of banter, and soon both parties will feel better.

This type of behavior comes with some risks, though. You basically expose how much of a sore loser you are (because we are all supposed to be serene and fair and all handshakes when we lose), so the others are in a good position to feel morally superior (and show it). Well, and when they do, the result is obviously shame. You have just been shown that your behavior is unacceptable. It is not amusing, it is not original, it is simply childish and everybody is embarrassed on your behalf. The result? I decide that I will say nothing for now, but one of those days I will do something that punches you in the stomach so hard that you will never get up again, and then I will spit straight into your face as the whole world laughs at you. I get such vivid vengeful fantasies that I clench my fists. It is quite amazing they never ended up in anybody else´s jaw.

Okay, and what exactly were those five paragraphs good for? I´m losing the plot if I ever had one.  I think basically it is about why I defend being unreasonably angry. Yes. “You just want to be angry” = “You´re anger is unreasonable.” Unreasonable anger is something I´m very prone to. I easily feel shamed or humiliated and my reaction is to lash out against everyone around.

The odd thing about this is that I don´t react like that to direct humiliation. Just to implied humiliation. When my team loses the match and the opposing supporters are celebrating, I feel so humiliated that I want to smash their faces in (no, I´m not a hooligan. I´m a girl, I only self-harm *cliché-alert*). If somebody directly spat into my face and called me whatever name, however, I´d probably feel some weird, calm excitement going all through my body. I would immediately surrender and give up on myself. Yes, sure, I am a *cunt, bitch, idiot, worthless, childish, deranged*. I would almost embrace the insult. I´d feel oddly at peace with myself. Weird phenomenon, isn´t it?

 

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