I´m not broken, I´m just a baby

Sorry, was listening to Alejandro while I thought about a title. Anyway, here are my deep dark secrets:

One thing I hate about myself is a certain mood I get into at times, and what I hate even more is the fact that when it does hit me I act horribly. In that mood I am bored and somehow frustrated, don´t know what to do with myself and I´m a tad aggressive. I start to walk around annoying people, I look for fights, I act like a sullen kid. And I feel like the only thing that would help me get out of this mood is something for which to ask would be extremely humiliating.

I still have this sort of childish wish to be a “good kid”. To please somebody by being obedient to him and making him proud. No, not in a sexual way, that´s why I call it a childish wish!  I want to be a good kid; not a good sex slave, a good slut, a good cocksucker! (The idea of being taught to be “good” for somebody else´s benefit, like his sexual pleasure, pisses me off to the extreme. Unfortunately, I think this is the only thing many guys would want. “Hey, how useful, a submissive person! I will use her wish to please me through obedience in order to turn her into my personal whore! Now go shave your cunt, or are you only submissive from the waist up?”)

Uh, yeah. Anyway. What I wanted to say initially was that when I am in the trollish mood described above, at the same time I also feel that awful wish that somebody snaps and forces me to “behave” (writing this is not facilitated by the fact that the word “behave” makes me think of Manchester United). The wish that somebody cares about me enough to help me be a good kid instead of a little troll. And did I mention I was in my mid-twenties?

It would be so okay and unproblematic if this was a sexual thing. It would be so age-appropriate. But what I have here is the – sort of narcissistic – need of a six-year-old who wants her daddy to be proud of her. (And who wants a daddy she can love and adore, which I never had.) And what does it even mean, “help”? It means to treat me with a very benevolent and unselfish but unmistakable… strictness.

I told you it was humiliating. I mean, I am like…twenty years to old to be sat down and given a talking to?

And there is another complication: Until a while ago I was fairly sure that the only way to make me “behave” would be by breaking me. I can be as  defiant as a three-year-old. If you try to “help” me or be strict with me I will probably resist all I can. And I feared that was my fault. A fundamental flaw in my character. Something that could only be straightened out by extreme measures that left me no choice but to “be good”. Maybe, though, it isn´t like that after all. Maybe it depends very much on my opponent.

I mentioned above that this “strictness” could only ever work on me if it was exercised in an entirely unselfish manner. Whenever I sense any kind of disdain, arrogance, feelings of superiority, indifference or aggression in my opponent I am absolutely sure to shut down and respond with scorn and hatred. For a long time I feared that I would always respond like that, no matter what, and that the attitudes I seemed to perceive in my opponents were just an excuse, resistance on my part. Now I don´t think anymore that´s true. The reason? The reason is that I have encountered a person in who I perceive this benevolent, gentle selflessness. It doesn´t matter that this might be a desperate projection of my wishes onto him. What matters is that I can see another person like that. And that this inspires in me the wish to listen to him. Please him (yes, again in this childlike, innocent way!). So I can have good and selfless intentions, too. I´m not all bad. I can respect people, even look up to them. Apparently I am not as hopelessly arrogant and narcissistic as I thought, then. Apparently I don´t need to be broken and destroyed in order to become a person who behaves in a way that allows her to respect herself. Now that does boost your self-esteem, doesn´t it? XD





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