I am most DEFINITELY a baby

Sitting with my girlfriend in the kitchen, both of us staring at our computer screens, I´ve been feeling vaguely uncomfortable for a while now, the way you do when you are getting a flu when you simply want out of your skin because everything feels wrong and seems to hurt somehow, and at some point I half-moan-half-scream: “I feel so awful!!!”, angrily, like a little child would. I feel bad, but I have no idea why or what I need. I feel completely helpless.

Then I try to think. I try to access what is wrong with me or what is my primary need at the moment and I realize I´m tired. Dead tired. I want to sleep. I just want to go to bed.

What I don´t want, however, is to wake up tomorrow and do all that adult stuff.  One main reason why I don´t go to bed is that I want to “delay” the moment when it is morning again. And I realize this is not because of what I have to do. Even if tomorrow was a completely free, lazy day I wouldn´t want to go to sleep. I would still somehow have to carry myself through the day. And this is something I´ve learned to dread. And I realized that I would much rather go to bed now if I was still little and if tomorrow morning a parent (neither of MY parents!) would wake me up and eat breakfast with me, get me dressed and get me to kindergarten or elementary school. I ignored the realities of my own kindergarten and elementary school time, which weren´t all too happy either, and just imagined some idyllic world in which I was a normal kid who isn´t inherently difficult and unable to fit in.

And suddenly I understood what I wanted. I wanted to be little and to have a good, loving parent who sees my discomfort, realizes what I need (I myself am clearly too young to understand what is wrong with me) and picks me up to put me to bed. Of course I will voice some half-hearted protest, mostly out of principle, but actually I don´t really mind. I snuggle into his arms and let him carry me to my room and suddenly I am really sleepy.

It was a great relief to know what it was that I needed so much, even though it is fairly impossible to get. At least at the moment. There are probably people out there for everything. This is the one thing where I really trust the world. So in case you want to carry a sullen, nagging twenty-something to her room, tuck her into bed and read her a bedtime story, contact me.

Just kidding.

 

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