Psychosomatic fuck-ups, narcissism and self-abandonment

For several days I have some weird kind of pain in my abdomen. It´s not really cramps, it´s a more constant thing, like muscles that need to be massaged. My entire belly feels a little hard and swollen. It´s quite annoying and apparently it has no intention of going away. I think I´ve had this kind of thing before, so I´m not really worried, it just makes me feel even worse than I feel anyway.

I thought I had my emetophobia under control quite well, but lately I start to randomly feel sick again and I panic straight away. Most of the time I know perfectly well I´m not ill. It is just a mixture of stress and anxiety. Sometimes I don´t even feel properly nauseous anymore, it is just some nameless, abstract overall physical discomfort which makes me feel like I´d do anything just to get out of my skin.

In such a state of stress I have loud, racing thoughts, like excited, agitated voices chattering and screaming in my head. Formulated thoughts, formulated like written sentences, seem to literally etch themselves into my brain, I compulsively think them again and again, emphasizing each syllable.

I get dizzy and nauseous just from the voices. This internal noise and the compulsive thoughts are like some kind of internal stimulus satiation. Then come any noise from outside, or any other kind of stimulus, even a well-meant touch, and I start to…well, half-scream. Moan angrily, maybe. I most definitely want to scream.

For a while I could keep nausea/panic attacks under control because I understood they were caused by internal stress, and whenever I started to feel bad I did something in order to reduce that stress. I relaxed my shoulders, or I lay down, I read children´s books, I breathed into a hanky to avoid hyperventilation. And I tried to be nice to myself. I tried to create a friendly internal atmosphere.

I think that all still holds true. I still do the same things, and it more or less helps (touch wood). What I can no longer do, however, is stop those attacks while they start. The stress simply overwhelms me. Each and every part of me, even the part that is normally responsible for talking me sane and making me relax just freaks out. And there is some weird, wild destructiveness mixed into those attacks. I am unable to be nice to myself. I´m unable to create a friendly internal atmosphere. There is pure hatred and aggression, and somehow I wish I could just die.

Not really really.  But – just slip into complete apathy. See myself from the outside, even. Being carried around and moved by others, without feeling any kind of suffering. Being far away in a carefree mental place. I am somebody else´s, everybody else´s problem now. Not mine. Because they have no idea my mind is still there somewhere in my body. They try to connect with it, sure, but they fully accept that I am not able to do anything useful, or even respond. They don´t demand that I pull myself together. They don´t demand that I take responsibility for anything. They don´t try to fix me just so that I function again. For the first time in my life, they genuinely try to heal me.

Well, dream on. Even I cannot be arsed to care about myself that much.  I feel like I´ve given up on myself, my life and this world a long time ago. Just like I wrote in my last entry. Maybe whatever it is that I want and need is really something I cannot get from anyone. A specific kind of treatment, more perfection than anybody can even remotely deliver…I don´t know. Normally this idea would result in me anxiously rejecting or invalidating my wishes, like: “No, it cannot be, it would mean that you are narcissistic! Narcissists, too, think they´re so special and they deserve special treatment.”

Now, however, this doesn´t worry me. After all, I never said I deserve special treatment. I said need.

I don´t know what kind of person I am, really. Unfortunately I don´t actually know what I need. But whatever it is, needing it cannot in itself make me a bad person, can it? A need is a need. And if, in order to not suffer in some way, I´d need something no person on this earth could ever give to me, then the only thing you could conclude is that I am not exactly a well-adjusted member of my species. And maybe it means that I will be unhappy forever. But a need is a need, and being needy is not the same thing as being demanding or arrogant.

So, I wonder, how many people who need something they cannot get, and, not knowing it is unavailable, angrily demand it, look for it in all kinds of places – are accused of being arrogant because they want more than “normal people” get? Like – emotionally needy patients who try to get something (they don´t even know what it is) from their therapists, and the therapists react with indignation and assume the patients demand special treatment. How do they know, though, if their patients demand this because they feel they are so awesome that they should get privileges, or because they are suffering and in search for something they can never have?

 

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