Am I just normal?

My girlfriend went home today (first night in more than half a year that I spend alone), and even though we are fine and her going home has nothing to do with our relationship, I feel like I might break down in a complete panic attack any moment and just wail like a baby. I´ve had rushs of terror already, wanting to reach for her and feeling like I cannot live or breathe if she isn´t here for me to hold.

I felt similar the day Athena just left without a word, although the two situations don´t compare. Well, I did feel worse then because I could not contain those feelings at all. Now I´m busy keeping them down. Not really consciously, it´s something I do instinctively.

I don´t want to exacerbate the feeling by dwelling on it. I tended to think it must be the absolute truth and that abandoned little kid is my sad, broken true self so I must not silence it, but maybe that is a fairly destructive point of view. I don´t want to ignore my sad feelings, otherwise I´ll just start to feel sick, but maybe I shouldn´t just give in to them, either. Maybe I shouldn´t make too much of them. Maybe I should try to put them into normal, everyday life terms and simply integrate them. Accept that they are there and that they are not a desaster.

So. I´m sad that I´m on my own right now. It is odd to be alone in a place that has been inhabited by two people for such a long time. I miss my girlfriend.

Now is that so abnormal? Is that indicative of doom? Wouldn´t it be weird if it didn´t feel wrong to be alone, wouldn´t it be worrying if I didn´t miss her at all?

I´m not overly dependent. I´m experiencing ordinary human feelings. This is a trait I would not have attributed to myself a while ago. Seems I´m not an alien from outer space. Others feel like that, too. I´m not crazy.

Whenever the terror and the abandonment is welling up inside of me I try to put it into those same old words: “I´m sad that I´m on my own right now. I miss my girlfriend. It just feels a little odd to be alone in my room after months of not being alone. Others would feel the same. They would totally understand you. You are actually not alone. You are part of the human race.”

Funny what it takes to make me not freak out completely, huh?

I used to hate thinking of myself as normal. But right now I´m starting to see where I might have missed out by having to understand myself as special: Human connections. Ordinary feelings of belonging. The feeling that others can and will understand me.

Maybe that idea is not as absurd as I always assumed?

I´ve recently posted something on some online forum which might have been regarded as controversial, it was about therapy and whether disliking one´s therapist is always resistance (which I, of course, denied). I was very civil and very moderate, but I always anxiously expected to be flamed. So far that has not happened. Heck, maybe I can even be liked just the way I am, huh? Over the months I posted lots of stuff on this blog which I thought would cast me in a pretty dark light. I posted stuff which I thought was complete gibberish. What I got was readers – and a whole lot of understanding. I wrote (and often still write) with a “well, fuck it” attitude. I don´t expect to be liked or agreed with, I envision malicious readers interpreting everything I say in the worst possible way – and then I feel almost ashamed when I get friendly replies.

Maybe if I can accept that I have feelings and that feelings are something everybody has I won´t feel as lonely anymore. There might be a chance I can make myself understood, after all. There might be a chance I can deal with my feelings if I understand them for what they are. Feelings. Not: Messengers of doom, destruction and abandonment.

I feel stupid. Shouldn´t I have figured this out ages ago? It´s hardly rocket science, is it? In fact, it is so banal that I halfways expect my readers to laugh at me. And then, as much as I might have been pushed into the role of the special snowflake, I also defended it. I took great offense when somebody suggested my feelings might be normal. Then again, that in itself might not be completely out of the ordinary. It all depends on how it´s done, right? If people call your feelings teenage struggles in order to defend their own role as the queen of darkness, why should you bend over for them? Maybe I should just assume that I had normal, understandable reasons?^^

I´m starting to realize that I have zero life. I could live with the fact that my life largely takes place on the Internet, it just shows how important writing (and reading) is to me.The forums I frequent, however, are largely self-help boards. I do surf them for “entertainment purposes” at times, but what the hell has happened to my understanding of entertainment??? What about other places, other topics? What would it be like to sign up somewhere where I´m just a normal person? It might make for an interesting comparison. You really don´t find out how ill you are by only reading mental health forums where absolutely everything is put to scrutiny, where everything might be branded as abnormal.  Well, at least I don´t. I´ve given it a year and I haven´t learnt shit about how pathological my feelings and attitudes really are. Not that blogging didn´t help me, last but not least as an outlet… Still, I feel like I might need some kind of comparison. How do I behave on a board where everyone assumes I´m normal? How do others behave? Can they relate to my feelings and attitudes? If so, then either we´re all crazy or I´m not a complete headcase after all.

Somehow I´m actually clinging to being abnormal and broken and dysfunctional. I´ve understood myself as “special” and “other” in many different ways, but not being entirely alright was and is part of them. Which is easy to do because I really am not. I feel like right now I´m going on a “I´m just a drama queen who seriously needs a life” trip and that doesn´t do me justice. I just think that it might do me some good to make the experience that I´m not completely different from the so-called normals. They can understand and appreciate me.

What other interests do I have which do not involve scrutinizing my psyche?

WRITING.

Writing is a really big one. It can be satire, it can be something atmospheric, right now I´m working on some slash projects, but: WRITING. I basically spend all my day writing. It´s what I do, online and offline. So why not sign up on a writers´forum, if I want to communicate with people?

Then, there´s football. Yesterday I was reading a lot about tactics and tiki-taka and it was actually fun. I´m tired of not knowing why we lose games. I´m tired of relying on others to judge if my team is making any progress. The thing is: I´m totally surprised I understand any of this. I´m surprised I can do anything other than analysing my own – crazy or normal – psyche!

Maybe I should try to see myself as similar to other people, not entirely different. It might turn out I´m wrong at times (believing everyone is like you is just the other extreme, after all, and not necessarily superior), but it might have interesting effects on my self-esteem and my feelings of loneliness.

 

 

 

 

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2 Responses to “Am I just normal?”

  1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wonder how often what I tell the world about myself is actually true. I started seeing a therapist recently and after the fourth session, realized that I’ve been telling them the same lies I tell myself and my friends day to day.

    It was only after today (with a different therapist), that I realized all of this. Because she didn’t just agree with me and I found myself getting angry at her for not sympathizing. Then I started looking at why I felt that way and realized she could only go off of what I gave her.

    Anyways, your blog is about you. Not me. But reading your thoughts helped, so thanks again.

  2. vicariousrising Says:

    This sounds like progress 😀

    From my writing experiences, a lot of the writer forums are not great places to hang out. I’m sure there’s some awesome ones and ones with terrific people and bad people — I’ve just found the overall tone less helpful than shoes of puffery, if that makes any sense. On the other hand, real life groups or seminars can be pretty terrific when run by competent people. Obviously, this is all my opinion & you should figure it out for yourself. I kind of hope I’m wrong about my bad experiences being the norm.

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