Why I´m not writing so much at the moment

I cannot write a blog entry, not for the fucking life of me. So what the hell is keeping me away from this blog? It´s been my ultimate outlet for months.

I guess I´m just incredibly tired of myself. Or – well, no, not really. I´m somehow impatient with myself and the world. I don´t want to compose long, intelligent entries. I demand from myself that I go on exploring the winded workings of my psyche, and at the same time I feel sick and tired of doing what is demanded from me.

I don´t want to make myself miserable. That is, to be honest, a fairly new feeling. Most of the time I was digging into everything that could possibly hurt, reading things which I knew were going to hurt me – but now I don´t feel like it anymore. Why did I do it? On the one hand, there was hope. Hope that I would get somewhere. I probably did, but at the moment that hope is gone. Maybe I just arrived somewhere, who knows. Then, I´m simply an adrenaline junkie. Being angry helps me to not be depressed. Fighting is better than complete apathy. Or, as I read in some Dexter fanfic: “It´s always nice to feel something, you know?”

But I guess I´m just sick and tired of that hope. And not just the hope, but the demands that come with it. “You must improve. You must work on yourself.” Yeah, that´s what I´m really tired of. Working on myself. Working on things that happened to me so I will one day be more self-confident, more open, more whatever. Allegedly more happy. And so this blog felt like an enemy. Like I couldn´t write casual things here. Like the only part of myself that could go here was the anxious, self-defeating, scrutinzing Me. Which is obviously bollocks, as Pissed-off-Me has written here before. Plenty. The differences in mood probably don´t look half as dramatic as they feel.

Also, I have this other blog, but I feel odd writing there, too. The fact that it exists really just shows I feel that parts of me are so outlandish and inacceptable that I have to put them into the special interest department because no reader of my regular blog will want to hear about them. This is something I´m tired of as well. Who would have thought people would be interested in and accept my therapy story? So if I can post that, why do I have to shut away everything intimate elsewhere? Besides, the one time I wrote on this blog about my issues with sadism I did encounter acceptance.

I guess these problems might explain my current absence from this blog.


One Response to “Why I´m not writing so much at the moment”

  1. If it’s any consolation, I consider myself a feminist and yet sometimes submit articles as a man… just because I feel like my audience won’t like what I’m saying as a woman. Then again, maybe that’s not the same thing at all….

    Either way, I feel you! Consistent work in a consistent style is a major challenge. Being as the eb and flow of life means we’re all changing, every instant.

    Love the blog, though!

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