Paranoid when alone at home

Being all alone at home, I´m dead scared someone else is here. Some stranger, a housebreaker. That fear alone is not uncommon at all, I´ve just googled it and then stopped reading because they were driving themselves crazy over how tricky housebreakers are and about the amount of safety measures they apply, and comparing this to my place makes me feel very, very unsafe.

Something I found interesting is that some people actually don´t fear people who break in to steal stuff, but to attack them. I got the exact same thing. I believe anybody breaking in here would do so in order to terrorize me. I am listening intently in order to notice any revealing sounds in advance. I keep my phone next to me and if I absolutely have to leave my room I take it with me. Which is funny because if someone attacked me I doubt I´d even try to call for help. I´d just curl up into a ball and pretend I´m not there. I now this for a fact because I do it whenever I feel threatened. When a dog jumps at me, when a guy keeps on bothering me, and there was one occasion in a park some night when a drunk guy was staggering straight towards me and my girlfriend and I thought “fuck, that´s it”. I looked down and didn´t move and somehow I no longer really felt scared, although I certainly was scared. It turned out the guy hadn´t even seen us.

So, I´m also scared that somebody is watching me from the outside, waiting for me to go to bed. I cannot close the curtains, though, because I can´t sleep when it´s completely dark. And I can´t leave the light on all night, either, because that clashes with my fire phobia. Some kind of predicament, really! I´m scared, no matter what I do!

I just wonder, though, if on some level I´m pushing myself. Right now my fear of being in a completely dark room is much smaller than my fear of being watched. I can constantly feel that triumphant, cruel look on my body, I can hear his thoughts, thinking about how stupid I am. How I could protect myself if only I bothered. But I prefer to leave the curtains open, which will allow him to attack me, because if I kept them close he wouldn´t even know I´m here.

I think that´s what I dread most about the idea of being attacked in my own home. The attacker´s scorn. Him telling me what he has seen me doing. That´s why I get so particularly paranoid when I sing. It´s funny, the more I behave like I have every right to be in this place and do what I want, the less scared I am. While I was preparing dinner I kept the radio on, later I was listening to music in my room and singing along to it. Door was locked and curtains closed, and somehow that helped.

It´s weird, I´ve just been thinking about why I wouldn´t call for help, and I guess it´s shame. I don´t want the attacker to see how awfully scared I am or that I see him as a threat at all, that he has surprised me. And I´m absolutely sure no one would come to my aid anyway, which would be an additional humiliation. Could it be that my fear of housebreakers is a social fear? In many ways it looks like a fear of exposure.

There is also a very visceral element; the total terror of someone suddenly overpowering you. I´m scared most of that moment when somebody will jump at me and I´ll know that now it is really happening. I´m not even sure what that “it” is, because I don´t really think beyond that moment. But I have a vague idea. I´m scared of the attitude of that attacker. It will be impossible to talk to him or reach him. I won´t be able to make him see my perspective. I will pointlessly plead and be so scared that I don´t even care about the humiliation (not until afterwards if there is an afterwards). I will feel unable to breathe. So far, those are all well-known constants. And they are fairly realistic. It would probably really be just that bad. Unless I totally zoned out, which is a fairly likely possibility, too. I´d very much prefer that. Sometimes I do it just to cope with how creeped out I am, like: Okay, come for me, I´m not really there. I wish I could snap into that state already. In order to do so, however, I typically imagine a different kind of attacker. One who won´t jump at me, but just emerge a few steps away from me. He´ll talk to me to calm me down, telling me I simply have to do what he says and he will see me through this (whatever “this” is). The main difference really is that he can see my perspective. He knows exactly what I´m going through, and while he will not spare me in any other way, he won´t torture me emotionally. He will try to be kind.

This is such an incredibly common motif on this blog. The contrast between those two figures. The interesting thing is that this is never about avoiding the attack in the first place. Today is the first time that I even think about mentally conjuring up someone who protects me. Watching tons of strong, attractive footballers on a regular basis really helps my mental state. 😉

Huh. I think it makes sense that I should feel worthy of protection only now. Now I´m part of a club, so of course the club members will protect each other. Before that, the only way was cooperating with the attacker (or the cruel entities in my head which send me those mental pictures) so they would be kind enough to take into account my perspective. Just how fucked up is my self-esteem?

What if I was attacked and I wouldn´t get scared? It´s the fear and panic I´m most scared of, so what if I just didn´t feel them? What if I believed so thoroughly in my right to live that I believed I couldn´t be murdered? It would actually heighten my chances for survival, granted, because it might spook the attacker off. But that´s beside the point. What would it be like to try and control the fear? To try and act? For some reason that thought is even scarier. So maybe the blind panic is some kind of coping mechanism. Believing I´m completely helpless triggers dissociation which takes away the fear. I don´t even want to try to protect myself because that way I´d have to snap out of that spaced-out, fearless state. So the idea of being able to do something is more scary than the idea of being helpless. Very weird. Yeah, sometimes I wish the attacker would stop lurking and just get at me, so I can stop listening. So I can stop pretending I´m listening. I actually hope I wouldn´t hear anything until it´s too late, just like I hope that if there is ever a fire in my house I die and never even wake up.

I´ve made the experience that when I´m waiting for a ride at the fun park I´m always sort of nervous. It wouldn´t be fun if I wasn´t. And yet, as soon as I´m in the car and the safety belt straps me down to the seat, I become completely calm, and a bit spaced out. Very pleasantly spaced out. I´m not so scared that I welcome it as an emergency exit. It just feels good in itself. But again, this has to do with helplessness. As soon is there is definitely nothing I can do – I calm down.

The worst part here is really trying to listen for early warning signs.


3 Responses to “Paranoid when alone at home”

  1. vicariousrising Says:

    Is this the same home you don’t want sold?

    I don’t know if you read my post about my stalker, but he made me jump out of my skin for a few days, even though he’d never implied he was going to show up at my doorstep. But something in his emails violated me, made me feel like I needed to find avenues of escape and protection.

    I really don’t know what’s the threat you’re feeling, although I suspect it’s not some random wacko breaking in. Maybe you could start asking yourself that?

    • I didn´t read your post yet, I didn´t know your blog was accessible again. I still get the “protected blog” notice. That stalker sounds creepy, really!

      I´m quite blown away by your observation. Yes, this is the exact same home I don´t want sold! How on earth does that make sense? Thanks for that input!

      • vicariousrising Says:

        Hmmm. I thought I granted you permission. If you request it via WordPress, I’ll set you up. I must have the wrong ID in for you.

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