Just an up-to-date

I intensely dislike myself. Not in that anger-turned-inwards way, but in the sense that I feel like all the time while I insisted that my parents and therapists were horrible I´ve just been an angry, hurt child who is completely in denial regarding what hurts her. I feel like all I ever said and did was for other reasons than I thought it was. If I´ve been struggling all my life with my parents´difficulties, then I´ve absolutely wasted it. I´ve wasted all my skills and abilities on it. If I´ve been suffering, then I´ve been suffering for no other reason than my own stupidity and stubbornness because I was unable to get over something that happens to every second kid on the planet. And there I am, feeling like I have a mission or something important to say or something! Just how ludicrously naive must I have looked to all those therapists who knew exactly what had been the turning points of my life and waited for me to get ready to wake up to that? I feel like, under my tirades and essays and more or less clever thoughts, the feelings, drives and motivations are those of a stubborn and spoiled child with fantasies of omnipotence who still believes she´s the center of the universe.

I hate my ability to envision other peoples´view of me. I sometimes feel like I can hear (and see) them think! Even people who I haven´t seen in years!

A thing that occured to me while writing that first paragraph is that if I spend all my life suffering with and unwittingly mentally occupied with my parents´troubles then I haven´t lived my own life. I´ve been searching solutions for other peoples´problems instead of starting to walk into a direction of my own (and encounter whatever obstacles there are). I did things, yeah, sometimes even set goals and actually reached them, but it was never really important! All the importance, the feelings, were tied to something else. It was an advantage at times, allowed me to succeed because I rarely got really nervous. But it is also a fairly empty life.

What is it that´s so damn important? I mean – what role would I play in my parents relationship or in trying to hold the family together? I always thought I was kept out of everything, and I still feel like I´m the last person to learn about anything.

Maybe my naivety is something needed? Or my lack of independence? Me staying a child for such a long time, and being treated like one? I believe me being only eleven was one reason why my parents kept it all so friendly. They had a bad crisis when I was three, maybe I was what saved their marriage then. It´s just an assumption, but there might be something to it. After my father left there was a period of time when my mother was basically my best friend. And when I was 14 my father said something about me being 12. I´m still not sure if he was joking or if he was really getting my age wrong here. I´m telling you that man is straight from a sitcom.

There was a situation today which is so typical. The place into which I´ll move needs a new painting. I told them that I could ask some of my friends if they´d help me with it, and my parents told me no, they´d hire a professional, “it´s okay!” I wasn´t suggesting this to be selfless or to save them money, I simply wanted to conquer the place. I want it to be mine. My mother told me “there´ll be plenty to do, don´t worry!”, which made me feel so stupid in a way. I feel as if she had put me in my place. What´s so bad about me showing some initiative? Additionally, my mother typically moans that I should see more people! Sounds like an ideal solution, the painting job! But no, their money will make sure it is still somehow their place when I´m inhabiting it and they´re living at the other end of the country! By the way, the place is in a shape that makes my room look pretty (if my father ever tells me to clean up again I´ll laugh at him, he can´t take care of himself for shit and he´s more than two times my age!). My mother´s reaction to this: “I´ll need to clean it before I can let the cleaning lady in there!” I told her that maybe I would like to do it since I would feel more comfortable having made sure myself that the place is clean. Her reply: “Oh, you´ll get to do that often enough!”

What the hell is this all about? For once in my life I feel motivated to do something and even though I really don´t want to leave I´m doing my best to get attached to the new place, and she´s constantly shooting me down. Seriously, why? Her voice alone was enough to make me not want to clean up again ever in my life. If that place isn´t really my own, with me shaping it to my liking, then I will never feel motivated to take care of it later! Right now she is making sure I´ll be living in filth for the next couple of months or years, just because from now on cleaning up will feel like a punishment! Like “could you please keep the room in a shape that at least remotely honours the way we left it to you?” I will still be a kid who has to take care of a room that isn´t hers! Why does she deny me the opportunity to learn something? If she doesn´t like the painting job we do, then she can hire a professional when I move out! The walls will need a fresh painting then anyway, since most of my furniture is black!

I just thought about how Irene would react to this and I realize she´d more or less openly tell me I´m too weak. If our mother´s behavior can demotivate me like this then I´m too weak. I shouldn´t mind this. I shouldn´t care. I should understand her, and if that doesn´t help, understand her while looking down upon her just that little bit, let them have their way and how about I just earn money of my own so I don´t need them anymore?

Thankfully I´ve got some moral support from my girlfriend.





One Response to “Just an up-to-date”

  1. vicariousrising Says:

    Um, no. What you’ve been through is not like what the majority of kids (first, middle or youngest) have gone through. You were living through them because you were groomed to. That is not normal.

    When I first entered therapy at 23, I insisted to the therapist my family was perfect and I was tired of disappointing/upsetting them, so could she please help fix me. I’m literally shaking my head at myself. I was unknowingly suicidal at that point (having serious self-harm thoughts, putting myself in danger), and my big concern was about how hurt my parents would be if I came to a bad end.

    Not that I’m pushing my experience on you, but I believe you are being overly hard on yourself.

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