I don´t care about a title. I just want to disappear.

Everything´s depressing me lately and I don´t really like myself. I hate my looks, I cannot write, I feel useless and dumb, and the only thing that seems to be able to cure this is physical work. It´s not like there´s not enough to do, but I feel this is like a drug addiction: It´s a short-term fix, but in the long run it only makes me more miserable. It only seems to confirm my feeling of worthlessness: Instead of thinking, writing, blogging I should better wash the dishes, at least that´s useful.

This feeling of worthlessness is one of the worst feelings there are. I want out of my own skin, my own mind, my own character. I cannot love anything. When I see something good someone else did it just makes me jealous. This jealousy increases my sense of worthlessness in two ways: First, because it seems to reaffirm my own shortcomings on every level, and second, because on top of everything else, I´m a sore loser, too.

It´s the type of feeling you have to keep to yourself because no one can stand that kind of whining. Really no one. Not even me.  It´s the kind of feeling that makes me want others to fail. It´s interesting, as this is something that seems to be associated with narcissists. Wanting others to fail because you feel so worthless. Then again, who doesn´t feel like that at times? Is that really possible in a world full of competition? Doesn´t it take some die-hard arrogance to believe no one is better than you?

The key, of course, seems to be to accept that others are better than you and to still like yourself. For some reason that has always seemed like a cop-out to me. I can accept that there are much better physicists, biologists and linguists than me, but only because I am none. What of singers, though?

For some reason that is my sorest spot. I can bow down to writers, they actually inspire me. I cannot when it comes to singers. I actually cannot bear going to concerts. They always make me feel like shit. And I think I know the reason. While I can sing, and while I love to sing, I´ve never performed in front of an audience. I´m not a singer. I´m dead sure that if I was, if I had given it my best shot, I wouldn´t be feeling so down when I watch a good performance.

So, the key to envy and jealousy is not the level of performance per se. It is whether or not one is using one´s talents. Singing is something where I´m definitely not using mine. It might not be so great, but I´ve actually had singing lessons, so it´s not like my voice makes lightbulbs burst.

I treat my voice like I treat my emotional life: I´ve always kept it to myself. Writing is a way of reflecting on them, but the one thing that never shows when I write, other than when I sing, is insecurity. I´m not particularly vulnerable when it comes to writing. I know I can do it decently well. I´ve done it all my life. Nearly everyone I know accepts I can do it. And sometimes it feels like a death sentence.

I don´t feel like myself when I´m writing. Or maybe like too much of myself. It is so incredibly mundane. It lacks the magic. Singing has plenty of magic. I´d actually be happy to sing all day. I feel like a different person when I sing, but like a person I should be. I feel like it brings up the best in me. Sometimes. Sometimes, when I cannot sing properly, when everything sounds wrong, it makes me feel like a disgusting, plump, stupid person.

Maybe this is not a case of writing versus singing. I´ll always be writing anyway, I can´t help it. But I will never feel like my life is complete if I cannot express myself through singing.

I rarely got nice reactions to my singing. When I see singers on stage I wonder why they were accepted while I was rejected. I think it has to do with confidence. They look confident. I don´t, not at all, not when I sing. With singing, though, that seems to be the main point. Charisma. Look like you´re convinced of what you´re doing, and others will assume you have a right to do it. Maybe a shot of that arrogance would really be a good thing. Might even make me a nicer person, ironically, because I wouldn´t have to be so damn bitter anymore.

I really let everyone walk straight over me. If someone says I suck, I believe it or feel like an arrogant twat for not believing it. And more than anything else I´m angry that anybody should feel entitled to make me feel like this. As if they were any fucking better at anything! If they were, they´d have something else to do! Sometimes I would love to resolve my conflicts with a baseball bat. Mind games are so awfully exhausting and frustrating. You typically cannot call people out on them without letting them know they struck a chord. And that goes against all my instincts. I tend to hide it when I´m hurt. Maybe that´s the wrong thing to do. Maybe the only reasonable thing is to fuck pride and say: “Why do you say that, it hurts me when you do that?” It´s some kind of weapon, after all. A moral assault. When dealing with such people, you eventually become a hypocrite, utilizing your emotions in order to battle others while pretending you´re merely stating your feelings, void of ulterior motives. And somehow that disgusts me. Why not go all the way and become a full-fledged manipulative asshole who attacks first? At least that would be somehow honest, whereas playing the victim card and resorting to emotional blackmail…

Communication is such a tricky little thing. Saying the truth (“What you say hurts me”) can be just as manipulative as telling a lie. I´m so tired of being a victim, because as a victim you can never win. You have to stay a victim so as to not lose your moral advantage, but that means you can never properly fight back since you might hurt someone´s feelings in the process and that would be evil, whereas if you start out as the perpetrator people will hold it in your favor if you behave at least half-ways decently.

I´ve tried to stop being a victim by blaming myself when something others did hurt me, but that is the opposite of a solution. That´s just tightening the screws and hiding your shame. I´m so disgusted with being too spineless to fight back when I am slated. I think I must be awfully dependent on others. I more or less check if it´s okay with everyone if I go to bed or wash the dishes. This is sick. I shouldn´t feel like it´s anyone´s business or like anyone could be rightfully angry at me if I do that. I guess this is to some extent the heritage of my time with Athena. She got mad at me for such arbitrary things that I don´t know what to expect from people anymore, and when she was annoyed she was annoyed for the weirdest reasons. You´d accept someone is angry for having to wait for someone, but you wouldn´t expect it turns into a major crisis because it allegedly indicates that the person who was late is indifferent, selfish and morally deformed since birth. Please mind that I´m talking about a one time incident, not even perpetual lateness.

My lack of independence, though, also has some other roots. Athena just added that extra level of anxiety. I could try to look into those reasons, but I´m not sure I can do that without slating myself. I dislike myself too much at the moment. Actually I shouldn´t even post this. It is a pure expression of self-loathing, and probably full of distortions that needlessly compromise myself. It is an expression of the same masochism that makes me hide my feelings and vulnerabilities and blame myself for everything just to look strong and less like a victim. If you´re too weak to beat up the ones who beat you up, beat up yourself. It gains you more respect than crying that it hurts.

I guess this, however, is just another short-term fix. It is a sign, after all, that the abusers are in your head and that your feelings and your mind don´t belong to you. You have to hide even inside your own self. A step forward would be to separate having feelings from showing them, or from feeling like everybody knows how you feel. Establishing some kind of privacy in your head where the mean voices can´t go. It sometimes frightens me just how far away from that privacy I am. It´s like having to perform even the most intimate actions under prying eyes. You wouldn´t get naked in the presence of strangers, and neither would you show feelings to people who try to make you feel bad.






3 Responses to “I don´t care about a title. I just want to disappear.”

  1. Keep your head up

  2. I often have these feelings of isolation and loneliness even when I am surrounded by other people. I’m not sure what other people want from me or that I have anything to give. When others make me feel bad, I focus on daydreams and get lots in my head so that I am not in their world. Sounds insane, I know. If you want to read more about it, check out my blog and follow it to see my journey unfold. It could help. Good luck.

  3. Thanks, both of you! I will! 🙂

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