If you want to read something that makes no sense at all, try this entry

Loneliness can turn all the air in a room into something leaden, something that weighs on your chest and suffocates you. Same with silence, which is almost the same. Now that I live alone, and not having a job or anywhere else to go regularly, it happens that I don´t talk to anybody all day. Essentially I´m just waiting for the day to pass, for me to be “allowed” to go to bed, as if tomorrow would bring anything different. Today I went to the store not because I needed to buy something, but in order to get out of the house. I feel like I have no business just leaving the house when I feel like it, not to mention have any contact with other people. I feel like some kind of prisoner, however nice my prison is. Weird.

I´m reluctant to admit all this because it makes me look so dysfunctional. It makes me look like no one wants me. Which isn´t even true, I´m in a relationship. Anyway. I´m in a situation where no one will contact me on his own accord, or at least that isn´t likely to happen. Apart from me, only five other people even know where I live, and three of them are pretty damn far away. If I want human contact, I have to actively “go out there” and seek it. Most of the time I do that online, and I don´t address people directly, I just answer their posts or comment their blog or wait for them to comment on mine. Goodness. Actually, there´s some mails I should answer, but all that´s not the same as going to someone and saying “hey, right this second I´m feeling lonely, could you give me a hug or tell me a joke or whatever”.

I am disoriented. I forget who is “real” and who is just a stranger from the Internet. I forget to write to people I actually know, because they seem so far away from the daily treadmill of my thoughts. On the Internet, I pick acquaintances according to mutual interests, so they seem closer even though I don´t even know what they look like. This, however, is so incredibly impersonal. Most of them wouldn´t care if they are talking to me or to anybody else who holds similar opinions. I as a person am as non-existant to them as they are to me.

I hate to admit how lonely, dysfunctional and disoriented I am. It makes me feel even more helpless. I´m imagining people all day, people who are around me, but in fact there´s no one there. Most of the time I don´t even realize it, I just wonder why I´m so stuck, why I lie on my bed all day, why I´m online all the time. It´s because I´m utterly lonely and unable to deal with it. I am unable to do anything other than distract myself from it, and most of the time I don´t even feel the loneliness, just some strange pain and discontent.

For some reason all this makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I´m addicted to some imaginary world while neglecting the few real people who care about me, and yet I simply cannot make myself write them back. I lack all motivation to interact with them, and I don´t know why. Maybe I prefer to be lost inside my head. Some voice in my head is scorning me for this, saying that now I finally see that being online all day is not as harmless as I always make it out to be, and then I remember that this voice, too, is entirely imaginary, that no one I know is saying this to me, and I´m starting to wonder just how crazy I already am.

I more or less automatically forget about people, or shun them, or try to make them forget me. I don´t know why. Maybe they are ties to a reality which is too much for me. I wonder if I should even come here to this blog in order to sort myself out. Isn´t that another imaginary place? I feel happy and cared about when someone comments on what I write, but I don´t know the people who do so and in a way that input feels just as fictional as the voices in my head. So what about that feeling? Isn´t it fueling my descent into a whirl of wires and bright screens?

I feel like I´m killing myself. Killing off my mind, that is. I´m turning myself into a rambling lunatic. And on some level I want to. I want to destroy myself because I hate this world, I hate society and other people, and I don´t want to need them. I feel like I cannot be myself around people and I don´t want to not be myself for the rest of my life just for the sake of my sanity. No, fuck off, sanity!

The worst thing is how much I´ve been sucked up by psychological conspiracy theories. All my thoughts are centering around is basically what kind of crazy I am, and what to do about it, and whether or not I´m dead inside… I don´t know. The state I´m in right now reminds me of the mixture of numbness and hysteria I experienced with Athena. My ability to think rationally has gone right out of the window, for the sake of some feelings and other real important deep bullshit without which I´m not properly human, and I´m both disgusted with and ashamed of myself. I feel like I´ve plunged deeply into some preachy, sickly sweet religion that throws around big words like “personal growth” and whatnot, and I´ve swallowed all that and accepted that according to their system I´m a sinner (narcissist) because I´m cynical and not emotional enough yet. Maybe my disgust is a reaction to me understanding that I will never get anything other from this system than hearing that I´m the bad guy. According to that system, I am the bad guy. I am cynical, grandiose, callous and “blessed” with a hypersensitive pride the size of New York City. And, knowing what I am, I feel it´s just no longer appropriate if I stick around. What do I want from this system? I secretly and not so secretly despise it! I´m a non-believer who has no respect for the faith of others!

Two days ago I was at a meeting with my philosophy class. I was supposed to tell them about my work, and I had to realize that while my work was all about defeating the principles of the psychotherapy religion, most of my classmates thought my points were completely irrelevant because there was no rational basis for any of the claims I was arguing against. It was then that I realized I´m surrounding myself with the wrong thoughts. With irrational thoughts. I realized how deep I had fallen. How much time I had wasted. Yes, that´s what hurts most. I pointlessly hampered myself. Just where could I be right now if I hadn´t hooked myself upon this pile of bollocks. And now I can´t stop it, and psychology seems to be the only thing that can help me out there. Oh the fucking irony…

I am such a loser. This blog isn´t worthless, there is potential for some pretty good thoughts on here, but it´s nothing I´d share with other people, nothing that would gain me any recognition other than “you are soooo brave for facing your demons”. Which I´d rather not hear anymore any time soon. What´s worthwhile is writing essays, structured thoughts, that kind of stuff is worth something. I´m trying to do that here. Actually, I´ve battled the voices with rational thought many times. Trying to structure things. Maybe I´m being too hard on myself. Maybe I simply need to accept where I am right now. And maybe these last to sentences are just more of that sickening preachy syrup.

I didn´t take good care of my mind those last ten years. I allowed absolutely everything in, and I screwed rational thought. I was ready to believe everything, ready to believe that my own perceptions where completely wrong and distorted, ready to believe that everything about me was sick, deranged and toxic. I was ready to believe that every word I said was a lie. I screwed rational thought because I believed that rationally I could only come to the conclusion that I was a terrible person, and I didn´t realize that probably wasn´t very rational at all.

Okay, right now basically I´m having fun bashing myself. I guess this is what it looks like when I try to break myself. That is, essentially, what I do. What I´m doing here is nothing but hysteria. This whole entry is gibberish. I´ll post it anyway because for some reason that makes it more real. Even though this is the confusing, illusionary, unreal online world. And another heartfelt oh the fucking irony!

Edit: I don´t want to destroy myself because I hate society and other people. I want to destroy myself because I hate myself and because it feels good to be destructive.


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