Don´t look back in anger. Sarcasm will do.

Here are some excerpts from the diary I wrote about my friendship with Athena.

I don´t know if I´d show my diary to Athena. I´d be scared she´d disapprove of it, that something in it exposes I´m still stuck in the same old mechanism.

And I felt like a failure because of that.

Athena is the only person I tell everything – at least I think I tell her everything. I think that´s because it´s only in front of HER that I stop playing some kind of role. She demands nothing but total honesty from me and she is so smart that she always sees through me. On the one hand I´d never be as honest (no matter how destructive my honesty might be) if I wasn´t so scared of losing her. On the other hand I want to be honest because she is the most important person to me and she always accepts my true feelings and motivations. Other than everybody else, she doesn´t judge me.

Not judging me, by the way, didn´t mean that she didn´t make some very cruel verdicts about my thoughts and alleged motivations. It just meant that she thought I was somehow special anyway, and therefore deserving of her… true and honest friendship.

Once again I´m thinking things Athena might disapprove of. (…) It´s strange that I just can´t stop it.

Yes. Somehow I´ve never learned to keep my mind under control. It would only have taken a little bit of discipline, but I wasn´t willing to make that effort. How can a person be so unwilling to control her own thoughts? There must be some very sinister reason for that. Obvious irony is obvious.

We talked today. She said that unconsciously I didn´t want to face myself. I felt indifferent, I think that was some kind of escapism. (…) I still cannot grasp that she likes me. Sometimes I feel humiliated and believe she does that to me on purpose. (…) It hurts when she just shoots down everything I say. But it didn´t need to hurt if only I could emotionally accept that she likes me. Why exactly does it hurt? Because the sentences she shoots down are failed attempts at playing some pretentious role? And when she called my tears an attempt to escape… I think I just suddenly realize that showing suffering doesn´t gain me sympathy, care and attention. This, too, is disillusioning and makes me feel ashamed. That the world expects more from me. That I cannot fulfill those expectations.

This passage is so…massive that I´m afraid some snappy remark won´t do. Just please tell me I´m not the only one who sees the craziness in this!

To this fear and dependence towards her I sometimes react with a pleasant feeling, like my soul was floating apart. I think I know why: My fear  forces me to be honest. Then I am the way she wants me and since that´s important to me I´m glad about it. By being honest despite myself I ignore my wish for self-respect and pride. I become aware that I´m breaking – or rather melting away – my pride with my own hands, because she wants me to. This sounds like a terrible friendship, but it isn´t. This process is not the rule. It just connects us further, why else this dependence?

This, ladies and gentlemen, is me explaining to the world why our friendship is the best, deepest and most sincere friendship that has ever existed. I mean – even back then I apparently realized I was not making the best case for that…

I can´t really be arsed to analyze this today. I just thought I´d put it out there, just to let everyone know how crazy people can be. Also, maybe I can one day get rid of the effects of this lunacy. Wouldn´t that be nice…


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