This is not coherent.

I´m toying with the idea of a new start. Study a different subject, pursue a certain career. I like the idea a lot. What worries me, though, is the question if I´m even capable of the hard work it would involve. I used to be able to work hard, but I´m not sure if I still am. My brain has gone to pieces over the last seven, eight years. It´s not like I´m not having any insights anymore, but I feel like my rational thinking is suffering. Along with my ability to focus. Maybe this ability is what I miss most. I cannot rely on my mind powers anymore. I can barely even make myself keep on writing this post. I feel the urge to look at another tab, or maybe I shouldn´t be online altogether, maybe I should read a book or write. As a matter of fact, it doesn´t matter what I do as long as I manage to do it for longer than five minutes.

I had some absinth a couple of days ago, my girlfriend persuaded me to try it. The effect it had on me might have been purely down to the mysticism surrounding it, but for a glorious twenty minutes there was silence in my head. The way it is, with the constant low-level or medium-level stress vibrating through my brain I cannot think. I can never get rid of this. I wonder if antidepressants would have a similar effect. If so, that could almost endear me to them.

I still believe the solution to my problem is not to make me stop thinking. I guess the style of thinking is the problem. I need to have more inner distance, more patience, and then I can think all I want. It has worked sometimes on this blog. It has gotten me somewhere, I´m sure. It´s this tension, this sense of urgency that´s the problem. I´ve mentioned that before on here, or if I haven´t I´ve thought of it: that manic urgency is a sign of craziness. I don´t remember such insights from one onslaught to the other. I feel like my focus is narrowed so much that I only see what´s right in front of me, but not the bigger picture. Which is a pity because it´s an impressionistic picture and you only recognize anything when you look at it from afar.

What might help now? One option is processing. The theory behind this is that I haven´t been writing for a while and that too many thoughts and feelings and inner struggles have build up. They put me under pressure, and by dealing with things one after the other I can alleviate that pressure. Somehow I don´t  like the idea, though. I don´t feel like talking about everything I´ve been thinking about over the last week. That feels like I´m forced to report to someone and next my “performance” or the quality of my thoughts will be judged.

Another option is stream-of-consciousness. I´d love to and to some extent it´s probably what I´m doing, but somehow it feels forced. It´s like the processing thing. I somehow expect I´d talk about a whole lot of things I don´t want to talk about. There´s a touch of mischief to it: “You want to repress everything, but it won´t let you, it wants out, you have no control, you can only try to keep up appearances, but we´ve already seen what it looks like inside of you!” Ick. I might let out my feelings if I felt like I´m alone in my head. I cannot afford any feelings of misery and failure when I need to defend myself. I want these constant attacks to go away.

I saw a college counsellor two days ago because of my trouble with my thesis, she said that I tended to think about everything at once instead of one thing after the other. She said I connect things which aren´t necessarily connected. Such as: “Should I pursue this new idea I´m toying with” and “should I try to get my philosophy degree”. If I got her right, it´s not one or the other. It can be both, it can be none. Maybe that way I can get through this confusion. I never took my time properly thinking about what she said. So, I´ll try to think about these questions separately.

Question two seems a little easier. Do I want that degree? I answered that question a year ago. I don´t really identify with philosophy. I´m tired of having to justify myself for studying it, and I´m tired of having to justify myself for not wanting to finish it. I feel like I´m failing just to prove a point, but I think that point is worthy of being proven. The point is that I´m tired of fulfilling anyone´s expectations. I cannot forgive my father for the way he treated me after I graduated from high school so surprisingly well. At least to him it came as a surprise. I cannot forgive him for the way he criticizes me on the fly. We have a normal conversation, and then suddenly he slips in a remark about how he doesn´t think it´s okay or “a good idea” that I do or don´t do this or that. It´s not the words, it´s the tone. His tone somehow gets more intimate, as if he knew me inside out, and often his accusations aren´t even justified. Sometimes there´s also stiff aggression in his voice, and when I contradict he easily gets impatient. Actually he treats me a bit like Athena did. He knows the sole truth and he´s demonstrating me his benevolence (the intimate tone and the way he signals that normally he doesn´t talk about it, he only mentions it now that we accidentally stumbled upon that topic), but if I contradict I´m just playing games and he really has no time for that because the point he´s trying to get across is so damn important. He has a way to talk to me that makes me feel like I´m looking into an abyss of guilt. Like I´m a terrible person. Even if he just criticizes that I don´t open my mail, which I´ve actually started doing regularly as of late.

We had this discussion recently: He told me of some ad he´d seen on a letter from our bank. Apparently they are looking for trainees. He told me I´d sure seen that. I said that I actually hadn´t. He said: “Yeah, well, I know sometimes you don´t open your mail, which, by the way, I don´t think is a good idea…” Me: “I´ve always opened my mail since I´ve moved! I didn´t get a letter with an ad!” Him, impatiently: “Well, you must have overlooked it! Of course, you overlooked it!” It doesn´t sound like much, but the subtext is: “You miss opportunities because you are lazy and apathetic and don´t look at things properly!” He has undermined my trust in myself that way ever since I can remember. He pulled some similar shit after my high school graduation, which is why I suddenly had to think of this. I think what I wanted to say is: When he realized I was actually capable of more than he thought he suddenly got angry at me whenever I fucked up a tiny little thing. Like put the wrong stamp on an important letter. He reads so damn much into such things. I don´t know how else to explain his overreactions.

Okay, here´s a point where I should stop thinking. Alright, I was under pressure when I had to decide what to study. I came from a life time of being accused of being lazy and indifferent. I studied philosophy in order to escape. I made a decision that required the least possible support and the least possible effort just to get everyone off my back. And then I had to defend it. At least this is part of what happened.

My god. Three people in my life who constantly read something into tiny little things and terrorized me over that. My father. Athena. Dr. Stoneface. I couldn´t take the latter entirely seriously. Still, I described how his behavior intimidated me at times. I think with regards to him I had just resigned. I didn´t assume he could like me. Or that I could have a positive relationship towards him. I feel like I´ve also resigned when it comes to my father. I cannot imagine liking him. I just want him out of my life.

Anyway, maybe the feeling these three people give me is completely unjustified. The abyss of guilt, I mean. And maybe I´m not even lazy, indifferent and irresponsible. Maybe I´m just constantly trying to dodge bullets. I run away to where ever, fantasy worlds, alibi life choices, dead end streets, just to evade the onslaught that´s bound to follow as soon as I don´t seem to know what I´m doing.

Whatever I am, this feeling is not my friend and this feeling is not the truth about me. It´s something a person who has been with me since my birth manages to instill in me. But how do I make this feeling go away? How do I replace it with a minimum of confidence? Maybe it is enough to say that I don´t know if I can trust myself. Maybe everything else will be met with too much of a backlash. If I say I don´t know if I can trust myself I always can counter the voices who say that I definitely can´t trust myself.

At any rate, I do understand now why I must always appear competent and like I know what I´m doing. I cannot stand to write entries like this one, without structure or anything else. Entries which let on my confusion. I´d rather make statements about insights and opinions I have. Anyway, it´s not about vanity and looking omniscient, it´s about warding off attacks. If I don´t have an answer to everything then I´ll get criticized. Or demoralized in some hard to describe way. Maybe that´s why I´m having such a hard time making decisions, or why I need to make sure I´m making the right decision. I can´t just try stuff. I can´t just not know stuff. I always need to be able to make a case for everything I do. Feelings don´t matter.

Then, for this lack of feeling and for my making a case and my knowing it all I got criticized by everyone outside my family. Arrogant, too complicated, unempathic, zombie, overbearing, narcissistic. Isn´t it sad how I victimize everybody else just with who I am. I feel a different kind of rage for those people and their attitude. Something in my brain just refuses to even take them seriously. Why should I let them hurt me when they never even gave me a chance? If they have so much empathy they should be capable of a little more than judgment, but unfortunately they aren´t. I get all my narcissistic supply from my intellect, they get it from their alleged ability to feel and empathize. Difference? Zero. If you feel superior because you have actual and real feeeeelings then you might as well be me.

How am I ever supposed to be okay if I´m attacked by two sides at once? Again, I need inner distance. Patience. The rage needs to stop. It shouldn´t even matter to me what other people think. I don´t even know what they think, they probably aren´t constantly thinking about me anyway. Still, they said what they said and these words have burnt themselves into my mind. They are timeless, they could have been said yesterday. Another sign of madness. No sense of time. They are like flashbacks.

I´m just going to post this because it´s better than nothing and it´s not going to get any better than this anytime soon. I´m too tired to draw conclusions and in a way I just don´t want to. That´s just another way of pretending I know what I´m doing and I´m on my way to improve, right? Well, I´m not. Improving, I mean. Or at least right now I´m not confident and right on track and on my way to achieving something. Right now I´d rather have to right to feel apathetic and helpless. I don´t want to constantly fight against feelings. Being allowed to feel miserable in fact makes me feel a whole less miserable. My complete refusal, and also my failing college is an attempt at breaking free. Maybe it´s a test. How people react to it. In a way I´ve already decided that whoever reacts negatively to my failure isn´t really my friend.

I feel so sorry for my former self. The self who had hoped to prove herself and get somewhere with studying philosophy. The self who had hoped to shine and find a place in life. I´ve failed her. On the other hand, those ambitions themselves are nothing I have to bury. I just need to look for a place somewhere else. I hope I can make it. In a way I´ve made my decision already.



2 Responses to “This is not coherent.”

  1. The beauty of your writing is the place of honesty from where it comes. Don’t worry about the focus or the coherency of what you are writing. When you write from your heart, we hear it beating!

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