A collection of early morning thoughts

I´m sitting here too tired to think and yet I´m realizing a lot of things which I´d somehow like to pin down, so I´ll give it a try:

1) I´m not going to wake up one day and feel like I´ve found my place and identity. Roles and professions are part of our identity and by having a role I don´t identify with (philosophy student) and no career I´m working towards it´s no surprise at all that I don´t know who I am. Thinking about it, though: How many kids identify with their roles as students, since school is mandatory? What does it do for, and what does it do to their sense of self? I only know that my idea at school was that my real life was yet to come, just like the real person I was once going to be. When I left school, though, something went terribly wrong and I ended up here. My main point here is, though, that I´m not going to find what I´m searching for within myself. I get a more stable sense of identity by understanding my past, that is, by finding a way to tell my story, but there is a kind of self-confidence introspection can´t give me and that´s the kind of self-confidence you get from interacting with the world and finding a place, a role in it. I don´t mean in social circles, I´ll always be a loner, but within society. I want to gain my position through knowledge and ability to help. I don´t possess enough of either right now. This has nothing to do with devaluating myself, it´s just asking too much that I should be happy and feel self-confident without having a role I like.

2) It´s no surprise I have trouble with social situations right now even though I´m surrounded by much nicer people than I was in school. I´m way to confused to say anything about myself, I´m not behind what I´m doing and I have no role in society, nor am I aiming for one. I´ve got nothing to tell people, and people don´t know what to think of me.

3) I miss the feeling of being treated gently. I miss benevolence and patience. Simple belief in me, encouragement. I´ve noticed that this is the only kind of behavior that makes me want to comply with anything. Take my dentist. So far she has always been kind and patient, and I pretty much instantly adopted the hygiene advice she gave me even though it´s a lot of work. I guess the fact that I was always scared of going to the dentist doubles the effect of her kindness (I mean, I kinda know how that works…), but I keep on being amazed by my own compliance. When I have to motivate myself to follow her advice, I rarely experience anxiety, or if, it´s very low-level. Most of the time it´s just not so hard to do. I have a thing for asymmetrical relationships. Benign authority figures. I sometimes wonder if I approach all relationships feeling like I´m in the inferior position, trying to give others the chance to be a “good authority figure” and to appreciate me. This interpretation is kinda hackneyed, but there might be something to it. At the same time I wouldn´t mind being a good authority figure myself. Maybe because they are so bloody rare. I wonder if this is one reason why psychotherapy has always fascinated me. Maybe I went there looking for relationships. People who are less focused on the power aspect of human relationships date their peers, I assign emotional significance to potential or real authority figures and try to get a relationship working with them. Try to make them approve of me and maybe like me a little. Or a little more. It´s sad when they interpret this as a trick to get to power or to influence them. That´s usually the opposite of what I want. When faced with certain individuals I might want to triumph over them, but in my fantasy relationship with a good authority figure I never seriously try to be more powerful. I just want to be in that state of mind where I can feel safe with someone and compliance is easy. What I missed in my upbringing was never really strictness and punishment, but that precise feeling.  Maybe, though, that´s just for cheesy movies.

I´m too tired to go on here.





3 Responses to “A collection of early morning thoughts”

  1. writingthebody Says:

    Nominating you for an award of sorts….tag. Here are the details and my version of it…http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/

  2. That is a good tip especially to those fresh to the blogosphere.

    Simple but very accurate info… Appreciate your sharing this one.
    A must read post!

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