I got tagged!

I´ve been tagged by writingthebody! That´s cool because I love your questions, and I´m glad to hear you think I´m not so weird! So, I´ll get ready to answer!

1. What is the nicest thing anyone ever said to you or about you?

That I come across as honest and authentic. Given my history of being called the opposite, that was incredibly powerful.

2.  What is the best thing about your blog ( I mean yours!) ?

The risk I´m taking. For years I held back my thoughts because I wanted to be sure I was right before I said something in front of witnesses. I didn´t want to look stupid. Now I do risk looking stupid, but at least I don´t have to envy people who have blogs anymore.

Wow, that answer makes it sound as if my blog was some kind of self-punishment. Sometimes it feels like it, but what´s good about that?

Something else, then: It helps me develop my thoughts. Yeah, definitely does. Sometimes I feel something like peace of mind after writing.

3. What is the worst thing about my blog (mine, that is)?

Sometimes when you write about stuff that fascinates me a lot (like meaning of life, but also personal experiences) your posts seem too short, I´d like to have heard more about what you think.

4.  In descending order from the best to worst rate these five things:

a) fine chocolate, b) fine wine, c) fine sex, d) fine bdsm (no sex), e) deep kindness of some random stranger to you

d – a – b – f – c

Sounds weird? Well, here´s the explanation. First, the positions of d) and c): Sex without BDSM doesn´t work for me. BDSM without sex does. The positions of chocolate and wine? I have emetophobia, so I can´t drink much without getting anxious. And then the stranger: Well, actually I love such occurances. They are much more important to me than chocolate. But they also disturb me. I´m always a bit shaken afterwards, and I don´t cope so well with that.

5.  If I asked you to spit on me, would you, now that you know me?

No, but that´s got nothing to do with you. It´s just that knowing what it means to you, I´d consider it cheating on my partner. Unless you´d ask me because you want to self-destruct. In that case, though, I wouldn´t do it, either.

6.  Favourite brand new song

Ouch. I don´t really have a favourite song at the moment, and I don´t know too many new ones, either. That´s sad!

7.  If you can remember a dream, tell it to us

Okay, but it´s graphic, disturbing and full of violence:

I dreamt I was on a killing spree with another person. My gun jammed and so I used it to beat my victims to death. Those victims were a mother (who reminded me of my own) and her teenage daughter. A good, loving, Christian daughter. The mother was lying on the ground and I kept on smashing the gun onto her head, she was bleeding and I could see her skull shatter. She was probably as good as dead. Her daughter didn´t try to protect her or fight me, she just held her mother and cried horribly. At some point I didn´t really want to do this anymore, but I felt like I had no choice. I had done something unforgivable, the only person who would still stand by me was my partner in crime, but if I ever showed guilt or regret she´d scorn and abandon me. Besides, I had to kill the woman, she had probably sustained brain-damage anyway, I couldn´t leave it all in a mess even though going on made me feel sick. The fact that the daughter ignored me made me feel even more miserable, it was like she wasn´t even going to look at me. After what I´d done, I wasn´t even worthy of a single look. She had her love for her mother, something I was excluded from forever. Even though she only cried, I sensed some kind of disdain and ultimate condemnation in her behavior. I didn´t know how to live with myself, how to ever be happy again, how to feel anything other than nausea and guilt. But I knew I had to keep going, keep on being the villain because that was the only way I could still enjoy human company. Deserting my partner in crime and handing myself over to society´s judgment would have ended in an endless moral dissection, some kind of purgatory, poking at my guilt and making me feel like a worthless worm till death. If horror and nausea were the price for being allowed to remain a person, I had to pay it.

That dream still freaks me out.

8. Favourite movie of the last 12 months

Good question. I haven´t watched many movies last year. Does the Dexter series count? I really liked Season 5.

9.  Have you ever enjoyed pain?  Explain a little

Hm…most definitely yes. Both physical and emotional pain. I´ve enjoyed the idea of being hurt ever since I was a kid. When I was 12 I realized that I liked the feeling of pain slowly receding. When I was 16 I sometimes refused painkillers because the pain gave me something I wanted. When I was 17 I was told I was insincere because I enjoyed emotional suffering. If I enjoy it, I´m not really suffering, therefore I´m just enjoying the role of the martyr. It´s a mindfuck that still bugs me.

For the good stuff, though: Sometimes I enjoy painful things (like biting, scratching, being hit with a belt) physically, that is, the physical sensations feel good. Sometimes, on the other hand, I enjoy it when they don´t. In those cases I enjoy the fact that I´m being tortured. Those two things can sort of melt into each other.

Here´s something I want to know, though: What made you ask this question? 😉

10.  last time you remember noticing that you were really happy or serene….where were you?

Oh dear. Define happy. I´ve had many good moments in the last few years, but I think it´s over three years, if not more, that there hasn´t been some anxiety lurking in the background. I don´t know where I was. Maybe on the phone in front of my computer, talking to a loved one about a subject we both obsessed over.

Then again, there´s always moments in topspace. They aren´t exactly serene, they involve rapid onslaughts of pleasure, compassion, aggression, pure malice and a twinge of guilt – but afterwards I´m contently tired, so I guess that counts.

11. Are you mostly a happy person?

I want to answer this both with yes and no. On the one hand, there´s a constant stream of worries and negative thoughts going on in my head, on the other hand I realize that I actually laugh quite a lot. I still have giggling fits like a teenager. Let me put it like this: I´m not in the most happy place, but through all the years there´s always been hope. And lots of cheerfulness. Intense pleasure, too. Just not necessarily happiness, because I´m not really content with an important part of my life.

12. Do you know what love is (and if you do, explain it)?

I´m not sure. Love is such a loaded word. I don´t like it much, to be honest.

I´ll have to think about nominees and my own questions! Anyway, thanks for tagging me! Feel free to comment on my answers!


2 Responses to “I got tagged!”

  1. writingthebody Says:

    Loved these answers, so thoughtful – my goodness what a dream! The gaze of the daughter….defintiely connect with the way you do pain. Thanks heaps for these thoughtful observations!

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