Same old

Okay FUCK. ME. SIDEWAYS.

No, not really. I just return from an appointment with a college counselor. Not the one I saw last time, that woman was really sweet, but an older lady who is also a psychotherapist. Well, may the troubles begin. I´ll call the first counselor Natalie and the second one Mrs. D, just for clarification.

Natalie was a young woman (maybe ten years older than me). I liked her from the moment I saw her. She reacted to what I said, helped me formulate my thoughts, and if she ever seemed surprised it sounded like pleasant surprise. “Oh, so you do some kind of field research?” When I clarified to her that I was in a lesbian relationship she simply accepted that, no question. She seemed to be under the impression that there was nothing extraordinary about it. I was okay with that, my family was okay with that – what was there to talk about? She told me how I came across to her and that this was basically okay (I demand a lot from myself and want to achieve much in life – but that´s okay, I just need to be aware that not everybody is like that. I studied philosophy because I didn´t want to make a decision yet – you can do that, there´s no point bashing yourself over it. I write about sadism – so if something interests you you work a lot on it, that sounds good!). I went out there feeling like I was an acceptable person who didn´t have to hide who she is. I felt like my interests were okay, worthy to be pursued. She truly came across as someone who´d heard it all – at what? Age 35?

Mrs D – well. The moment I saw her I was a bit worried because she was an older woman. She was of a similar age as Dr. Stoneface. I sat down with her and tried to talk, and she – sat there like a stone. Well, a comparatively talkative stone. Still, she didn´t really help me to get the conversation going. At some point she simply started to ask me questions. First she asked me what worried me about pursuing the career I´m thinking about. I answered that I was worried I wouldn´t have time for my relationship, then she started to talk about that. When I clarified I had a girlfriend, not a boyfriend, she asked since when I knew I was a lesbian. Well, since when does that matter? I´m here with career and college issues, decision-making issues!

Ugh, this entire atmosphere! Her not helping me talk in the slightest, barely responding to what I said, asking tons of questions about my family and my relation to my different family members – this felt like a typical assessment in TFP or psychoanalysis. And in the end, the conclusion she reached was that I wasn´t ready to make a decision. I should consider psychotherapy as a way to get to know myself. I said I´d already been in therapy, told her some basic things about Dr. Stoneface. Again, very moderately, in a very self-critical fashion. Then she said that she´d think it might be a good idea if I went into a psychosomatic hospital for a while.

I´ve been told plenty of times I should go to some mental hospital, so it doesn´t really come as a shock anymore. I said I´d think about it, let her give me the address, and I was extremely glad when I could leave. But seriously – I enter this room as a person who´s struggling with ordinary life problems and I go out there with an address for a mental hospital???  I didn´t even tell her about how I´m feeling at the moment. Like: The stress, the anxiety, the disordered sleeping rhythm. So what exactly does she base her assessment on? My family circumstances? The fact that I studied the wrong subject for too long? Again: Fuck me sideways!

Sorry, I had to vent. I definitely won´t go see that woman again. She was okay compared to Dr. Stoneface, but I simply don´t want to be treated like that. I go out there feeling worse than I did before. I´m not. that. ill. I don´t know what world she grew up in, but nowadays EVERYONE has trouble finding a place in life. That´s why I prefer to talk to younger people. They are just more in touch with my generation and our life styles.

Actually, this doesn´t get better from thinking about it. Her words are just sneaking into my head. I want this to leave me alone. I just want someone I can tell everything and he assures me I´m not insane. I think the technical term is validation.

I think that woman wasn´t completely incompetent, but I just didn´t feel good talking to her. I felt my hard-fought self-confidence dripping away and it was only by distancing myself that I could get back some sense of control. I felt like I was walking on eggshells once again and I had to remind myself that it was okay to state my opinion. Or to have an opinion, more like. I managed to remind myself, and I surprised myself with how relatively honest I was. It´s not like there were repercussions for it. Still, I felt like I was in a threatening situation. I didn´t trust Mrs D. I did trust Natalie.

I don´t know. I´m too exhausted to reflect on this. I just wanted to get this out there.

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