A ridiculous dialogue

I lack all drive and motivation. In a way I even crave complete apathy. Real apathy, that is. The way it is, I know exactly I need to make important decisions, but I don´t have the energy for it. I cannot imagine I´ll ever like anything I could do. I´m apathetic enough to not to anything, but I´m not apathetic enough in order not to worry about it. Oh, and I very much dislike myself.

Once again I feel like I´m stuck in a place of eternal condemnation. I need to feel ashamed for everything. And at the same time I accuse myself of exaggerating. I want to think “can someone please kill me” and I want to start crying, but right the next moment I know crying is a waste of tears. I don´t even come close to crying. There´s just a constant pool of aggression seething in my stomach. I feel how I´m poisoning myself and I hope it kills me. I hope I suffocate on my aggression and fall down dead. There´s just a catch: I can´t watch it. I´m suffocating as well, right now.

What I hear in my head is a constant choir of you´re the villain, you are everything you accuse others of being, you´re completely clueless, you made a fool of yourself. Followed by: Writing this is pointless, you´ve said this a million times, same old, same old, just die. Followed by: You´ll get people worried even though you don´t really want sympathy and help, good people, actual humans, they don´t deserve this, and you´re making it worse with every line you write.

So, for those accusations: The part that´s definitely true is the one about accepting help or even just sympathy. I feel like others must be more human (in the good sense) than me, less cold and solipsistic. Not only can they have such feelings for others, they also express them freely, while I always feel massive embarrassment in those situations.

It is pointless, it is pointless, writing this is so damn pointless, you´re only going to end up accusing people of making you this way and making you think you´re evil and you´re not going to feel one iota better, but hey, maybe you can see this insight as the beginning of a positive new start, of a change for the better!

No I can´t, fuck off. I´ll never be one of your puppy lullaby “I have changed” psychotherapy calender girls. I´ll never change. I´ll just remain that way and kill myself with anger.

See, you´re starting to recognize how absurd your own behavior is! That is GOOD!

*sigh* What´s so annoying about this voice in my head is that it constantly takes everything I think and twists it around so it fits its own agenda. I´m constantly trying to fight against a voice that sees every single one of my statements as a confirmation of its own view.

But that is illogical. There is no foreign voice in your head, YOU are making that voice! It is your own voice, though you don´t like what it says! Maybe you should listen to it, though! It could prove really insightful for you!

And of course, that voice is always pretending to “just want to help” me and, by the way, loves absurdity. I have nothing but gallow´s humor in my weapon arsenal. The absurdity of this makes me laugh, but, of course, that only marks the next target:

See, you yourself can laugh about this. Maybe it is the beginning of something better! Of you not taking this so seriously anymore, of you starting to loosen up a bit! You are fighting so hard all the time, that must be terrible exhausting!

Oh god, fake sympathy over a huge layer of schadenfreude! The hallmark of deniable sadism! Yeah, it´s exhausting as fuck, so how about YOU piss off! If you really pity me so much! I can´t believe such a bastardly mature entity would stay here and torture me just to win a power struggle! And no, you don´t need to tell me you only want to help, I´m a grown person and even if you think everything I do is wrong you need to accept I do it! That´s what good, mature entities pretending to be well-meaning therapists do!

You think the readers will all be on your side, don´t you?

Yeah, what actually makes me think so? I hardly come across as a very pleasant person, right? Maybe they will all take sides with that voice and because I´m so unstable and insecure and dependent on outside validation it will matter terribly much to me and I´ll start fights with all kinds of people and alienate everyone. That´s what happens to people like me, it´s what we deserve.

Oh god, that self-pity will make me even more unattractive. And I don´t even give a shit.

You think anyone will be impressed by that false bravado?

You get the drift. Just pick up on anything the other person says and make a derisive meta-comment. Categorize what they do in a discrediting way. While doing so, keep your voice concerned, sceptical, but concerned. Remember, you care for the person you´re trying to drive crazy. It just makes you so sad that she is completely off her rocker! Everything she says and does is an expression of her pathology. Everything is somewhat fake, somehow not right, and definitely nothing she could possible mean!

I actually know the debate style of that voice is inacceptable. This voice deliberately misunderstands me, misinterprets my statements in a way that runs contrary to my wishes. If I don´t want to reach a certain goal and this voice congratulates me on my first positive steps towards reaching that goal, this is just a slightly more complicated way of taking a no for a yes. It´s a complete invalidation of my perspective and I cannot even claim it´s an insult because it comes in the form of a congratulation. And if my anger becomes so obvious it can no longer be ignored or misinterpreted, there is a mixture of sudden shock tactics (“do you think anyone will share your view”) and condescending judgment (“you´re doing yourself no favours with your immature behavior”).

So if this is all inside of you, how do you treat others? Maybe you once were a victim but it must have left traces. It is impossible it hasn´t affected the way you treat others. Remember, people have perceived you as condescending more than once!

Translate: You do to others what you yourself complain about. You know how they must feel about it, just look at how YOU are feeling. You are just as bad as the people you complain about. Better stick with them, they are the only ones who are going to protect you.

Oh, but no, that´s a misunderstanding: There is a second chance for everybody! You can always change sides, but that requires a lot of self-critical reflection and a thorough change in attitude! You are more than welcome to see us any time and we can talk! It won´t be easy, though, and it will involve many sacrifices! You might prefer to stick to your old ways and defenses! Yes, that arrogant headspace you enter in bed is part of the sacrifices! Oh but no, that doesn´t mean you´ll never be happy again! I think until now you were never even able to experience true intimacy! You might be in for a lot of surprises! There is love and happiness on the other side! 

How do I even manage to write this down without throwing up? Is my emetophobia good for something for once?

You abuse humor to evade the crucial questions!

Oh my. Poor humor. It will need extensive therapy when it´s older.

Of course you can always make yourself look like the winner. You don´t have to let me say anything.

Look for a body of your own then and leave me the hell alone?

You´re boring your readers with your evasions. No one thinks they´re funny apart from you.

Another option would have been: “Well, see, now you´re doing what I want! You´re not as infallible to manipulation as you believe!” I wonder if I can DDOS this voice by giving it too many targets at once. It might get confused about which tactic to use. If there are too many ways to make me miserable, it might not know which one is most effective. And if I can make it contradict itself…

…then it will remark on how I sure as hell feel triumphant now. In a tone that annihilates me even though I´m right. Actually, this voice is a mere troll. I shouldn´t feed it. I should ask the mods to lock the thread.

It´s quite simple, really. I need to reduce the level of conflict in my head. Therefore, it is useless or even counterproductive to antropomorphize this voice. It is a malfunction of my brain, but it is part of me. I can do the same thing to it as it does to me: I can play down its importance, I can refuse to take it seriously, I can nobly refuse to fight, I can suffocate it by viewing it as an affirmation. It is part of me. A sad, ill part, but part of me. I need to cure it. Care. Help. Yes, that is a vicious chuckle in the back of my throat. Seems I´ve found a way to torture exactly the part of me that I hate. Maybe humor has won for the moment. The sick, nasty sense of humor that perverts everything it is helpless against.

I feel like I´m sitting on a powder keg, and I´m not sure how much sense it makes to post this, but whatever. I guess it might be sort of interesting to get a fairly uncensored look into my head, whoever´s side you take. I guess I´m even serious about the malfunction part. There is no one else living in my head, but I still stand by the view that the thoughts uttered by “this voice” do not reflect my own opinion.

 

 

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