A very strange time in my life

The last few days have been absurd, to say the least. On one day I was wavering between believing I´m psychotic and believing I´m becoming more sane, on the next day I told my mother what this plan for my future is I´ve been alluding to on this blog for a while now, and afterwards it almost felt doable and reasonable.

Day One, first. I was thinking about the abuse mania. Well, no, first I was reading articles on psychosis and schizophrenia. And then I realized that I checked several of those boxes.

When I got out of the acute abuse obsession and dropped the idea I had DID I claimed I had “made it all up”. Remarkably enough, it took me eight years to realize this isn´t true. At least not in the sense that I decided to tell a lie, that I was just pretending to have all the symptoms and images and shifts in perception and that I felt and behaved normally as soon as I was alone. Also, I was very careful not to tell too many people too much. And…well. I believed it myself. I was convinced of it. There were many moments of doubt, but whenever I tried to rid myself of the idea, at some point the conviction came back. That happened even after I “officially” dropped the idea.

Then how that idea came to me in the first place. That dream. I dream stuff all the time, but I assigned absurd significance to this specific dream. Fantasies started to form, I had them for a while, and then suddenly I had this fixed idea and I wasn´t sure where it had come from. I experienced shifts of perception/consciousness for at least a few days before this idea set in. Then, when it had set in, whatever mode I was in determined whether or not I believed in it. There was a weird, magical mood which was full of mystery, significance and urgency to find the truth – and there was normalcy, along with shame and a slight terror at my own thoughts. Just that normalcy was slowly evaporated.

I had experienced this before, two years earlier, at almost the same time. Middle of August appears to be a damn dangerous time for me. I had my “vision” about the future then and, again, normalcy disappeared. I was only normal me when someone talked to me, but I secretly had a different identity now. Like children´s play, just that I was 14 and serious. At least on one level.

The abuse mania, like I wrote before, was the first time the abyss stared back at me. My craziness had a plausible explanation as to why my sanity, my normalcy, was wrong, incorrect, delusional. Feeling “normal”, that is, like I was that person who goes to school and has a normal family, was just a result of my amnesia. I had to believe those things “in order to survive”. And later, when I believed in the DID thing, my original everyday life personality was just my ANP. Apparently Normal Personality.

If what happened there is indeed down to some kind psychosis, it appears to be a chronic thing. I must have had it even as a kid. And I wonder how much of my anxiety and my compulsions are down to it. Down to quick, silent little visions I had and which I couldn´t verbalize. I often had hunches, like: “Today you are going to die.” and then I quickly tried to counter it with some kind of magic ritual, like making the thought undone. Or I tried to avoid potential dangers, then forgot about it and drifted back into normalcy, then suddenly remembering it and being terrified that I had taken this lightly. Or being confused because I wasn´t sure if I believed it or not.

I wonder if I can somehow cure myself and start to live in ONE reality, or at least be less terrified when I drift off into shadowland. Like: Just let it happen, let the thoughts in, at least the forebodings and the nameless terror and sense of paranoia, the feeling that something is going to jump at me – well, let it roll over me and then it´s gone. Or just sit down under the shower because it kind of grounds me, it has worked before. I´d need to be less scared of madness.

I´ve been considering seeing a psychiatrist. Not a psychotherapist, not some guy who has studied psychology and goes for psychosocial explanations for everything, but someone who has studied medicine. Someone who has some experience with psychoses, who has seen them before and treated them before. Then give him a short history of my life and those weird symptoms I´ve had ever since for apparently no reason. Tell him about those weird, paranoid moods instead of trying to make him confirm the suspicions I have in those moments. Then again, the idea that I am psychotic feels just like another mania. Which is paradoxical. Someone having the delusional idea that he is delusional. It´s like a person telling you that he always lies.

***

Well, then there was part two of that day. A birthday party. I´m usually very withdrawn on such occasions and I don´t have much fun. This time, however, I did. I was talking with people I barely knew, we were all laughing a lot, I thought it was a pity when we had to go. And recently my partner´s mother has remarked on how I appear more self-confident, or rather, she was surprised when I, in the course of some banter, talked back to her. I even feel a little bit of self-confidence growing, or maybe just self-awareness, I´m not sure. I´m just more aware that it´s okay for me to strive for control in social situations, at least control of my own behavior. I decide what I tell others and how I behave. I have a right to privacy, to hidden subjective thoughts and feelings. This knowledge is slowly starting to grow in me. I don´t have to put everything on the table, I don´t have to commit myself to excessive soul-searching before answering a question. I can tell the truth in short, and sometimes vague form. Not everyone needs to know everything about me, and I don´t have to show my feelings all the time. Since I´m realizing it´s okay to hide I´m hiding much less because I´m developing some kind of self-confidence.

And it´s similar with deciding on a career. Whatever I decide to do, it won´t be who I am and I don´t have to be a specific person in order to do it. I decide on learning and performing a certain job, not on being a specific kind of person. I don´t have to become a particularly good person, or push away all my personal insecurities. Nobody even has a right to know about them. As long as I´m doing a job it´s none of anybody´s business what kind of person I am. Again, I have a right to privacy. Nobody has any rights to my personality. On the inside, I can be whatever I am and people will have to keep out.

Everything is starting to feel less personal, but in the best possible way. It is freedom, an almost daring feeling. A very shy, sober kind of happiness, but if it stays it might be the most robust kind of happiness there is.

 

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2 Responses to “A very strange time in my life”

  1. writingthebody Says:

    Hi again…..this time I see with a relevant purpose, I am asking if you would like to join in pledging to work for mental health and acceptance http://writingthebody.wordpress.com/. If you do not, I understand of course, and I do hope that things are on the way up….I like the sound of the end of this post….

  2. Thanks for sharing all of that. good on you for being honest with your thoughts. Social boundaries and self-awareness were a foreign concept to me in my youth. I treated everyone including myself as I was raised, just the same way the other members of my family did. Then I learned why it all felt wrong and unsafe for me and I began to establish boundaries. Therapy was a huge stepping stone in this process for me. I wish you the best of luck. blessings to you!

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