Sinister anticipation

I´m not doing well. It must be some kind of craziness again. Somehow it feels like everything will be ending soon. The belief that everything will be over soon and that nothing matters anymore – yes. I´ve had that quite often. It went with my vision of the future. A date popped up in my head then and I “knew” when I would die. It was intimidating, it made me feel sorry for my mother who, of course, didn´t know about it, but I was ready to die and trying to prepare myself for it. And yet there was a touch of unreality to it, like I was just a child taking too seriously her play. With that came a sense of guilt whenever I thought about my mother, like I had essentially decided to die. I have no better explanation. Again, I don´t know what I did and what simply happened to me.

Well, I´m pretty sure that the thought coming into my head was not my own doing. How I responded to it, though, might reveal something about me. To begin with, I wasn´t surprised. Such things never really surprise me. I´ve been living with these mental phenomena for ages. I´m used to my life being disrupted. Still, I was not my usual self in relation to this vision. I was in some kind of mental twilight zone. The vision was revealed to me by the entities I called “the voices” (I had always done so, but never in an allusion to schizophrenia, I didn´t believe I was mad, I thought they were real). I was used to interacting with these voices. I talked to them in my head on a daily basis. I pretty much trusted them, though it got exhausting when they contradicted each other. So when they revealed to me I was going to be executed one day, I accepted that, too.

I was passive, accepting, submissive. They were my version of a strict but good authority. What they told me was the law. I was willing to stick to it. It gave me some purpose, some kind of orientation. I think everything around me, everything else in my life just was very empty. I cannot explain otherwise how I could spend so much time in my head. It was the summer holidays, I was alone all day, I barely managed to get dressed. I was apathetic even at age 14. Just as apathetic as I am now, if not worse.

Why couldn´t anyone see what was wrong with me? Why did I have to become suicidal before anyone even bothered? Why didn´t anyone see just to what extent I was locked away somewhere within my own head while there still might have been time to get me back out there? Actually, I think I was already having casual thoughts of suicide when I was 14. Images, like how I would slit my wrists. Those thoughts were part of the twilight zone, so they could seem far away and absurd at times. Still, they were there.

More deadlines followed when I became openly suicidal. Sometimes I simply had dates in mind, or I felt like I was forced to act now, like otherwise I was apparently just a drama queen. It always seemed unreal, the idea of actually going through with it. One night I had decided to do so, but as the time came closer I wondered more and more how I was ever going to pull this through. In the end I told my mother. I just wonder why I needed some outsider to save me. I didn´t want to do it, after all. It was just that I felt I had to, I was supposed to, like otherwise I´d prove my depression was just a self-serving illusion to cover up for…I don´t know. It would have been proof that I wasn´t really miserable. This is so nonsensical I don´t even know where to start, but it will be interesting to investigate. One day. I´m getting dizzy with the depth of my craziness. It is like an undercurrent that drags me to the strangest mental places while I´m so busy staring up at the stars that I don´t even realize I´m floating in the sea.

Now here I sit again feeling like  everything will come to some dramatic finale soon. I´m nervous, heart pounding heavily, slight belly cramps, feeling generally shaky. I´ve been looking for explanations for this feeling, “maybe there will be a car accident when we go for a ride on Tuesday”, “maybe this is a warning that I might fall and break my neck”. Already I´m wondering if I don´t have the duty to stop those things from happening by avoiding anything that could lead to it. Or the duty to warn the people I´m going on a ride with. I know I won´t act on it, but this really sucks.

I don´t know what it takes for this state of mind to go away. Maybe lots of sleep. It´s interesting, but still…



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