The inner kindergarten growing up

I don´t like the last two entries, but especially not the last one. They are, once again, the opposite of what I wanted to do. They might turn out helpful eventually, but somehow I feel like I got stuck in victim mode again.

I feel like I have completely lost myself, though I probably haven´t. When I say “myself”, I currently mean “state of mind in which I´m motivated to act and in which I feel responsible for my own future”. What I feel, though, is that right now this state of mind is a stick to beat myself with.

Over the last weak I was very anxious what to write, and not to lose the “good” state of mind again. Maybe that was the mistake itself. The angry searching for a continuation of my latest progress. I will never make progress if the price is that I must constantly monitor myself. That´s just too scary. And it also hinders progress. I can either just stick to the insights I had or I can move on further at the risk of going wrong somewhere. There´s no point censoring myself or trying to be especially clear and coherent. Clarity is often the result of making a great deal of a mess repeatedly. Oh my, words of wisdom!

I wonder who I´m trying to impress, internally I mean. On the outside, I´ve done everything right last week. I made some dreaded phone calls, sent an important letter and a job application. I met the minimum requirements. What is really important are this external reality and its demands. I should feel happy with myself having fulfilled them. It´s not like the demands I place on myself in terms of what I want to achieve if I get accepted for the study program I applied for are small. If I reach my goals in external reality, I´ve done a lot. I´ve taken care of that precisely by applying for that study program. I want a certain level of success, I want a shot at greatness, and I strongly doubt I will be able to achieve that by just being me and expressing myself. Not because I´m useless, it´s just that this places even worse demands on me as a personality. If I want to be able to give people something they couldn´t have found in themselves, what kind of person would I have to be in order to do that?

Expressing myself is something I cannot force. I get frustrated far easier then when I´m learning. If I get accepted at college, all I´ll have to do is learn and I´ll get somewhere. It sounds like the triumph of reason, and yet on some level this feels like a defeat. I´m scared to go deeper into this, I don´t want to lose my motivation for this new path. I will hopefully be able to express myself there, too, by doing research on subjects that touch me personally. Maybe it is also a form of psychiatric first aid, maybe I need it in order to bring structure into my personality and my life. Also, it is an adventure and it will hopefully teach me skills which will help me gain self-confidence. It is the best choice I can make from my current point of view.

The defeat – what did I fail at? I failed at being a person who has such rich gifts or who has analyzed herself and the world so thoroughly that she has the answer to everything without having to study anything. Realistically speaking, nobody is that kind of person. It starts with the fact that we all learn things, whether we like it or not. If we didn´t learn how to speak, knowing the answers would be useless because we wouldn´t be able to tell anyone. Also, many questions arise from things we have already learned. The chances of being a person who has many answers increases significantly by assembling knowledge. It helps understanding and judging situations, phenomena, everything.

I guess I did not completely fail and being a person who can give something to others, though I might have been mistaken about where the answers came from. I have been told I´m a good listener, or that something I said helped people. Yet the things I said were largely based on things I read combined with my thoughts about them. So my new study program (if I get accepted) will be about learning more things, and hopefully it will render me capable of giving better advice. I see a strong contrast to my previous sources of knowledge, as it will be about science, not introspection. It´s supposed to work independently of the person who does it. That´s a badge of honor for the method/science, but it makes me feel a little unimportant. Still, if I want to be capable of giving good advice, I should stick to something proven instead of flattering my ego. I sometimes feel like I´m almost being hostile towards myself. Impatient with myself, not very lenient towards my wishful fantasies – and actually less patient with others, too. Being hard on myself doesn´t make me a nicer person.

I wonder where all this hostility is coming from. It´s essentially self-loathing. Like I´ve finally seen that all these years I´ve been running around feeling terribly proud of my introspection and believing that I didn´t need to learn at all because I already had the answers to everything. I think I often felt the wish to learn something, and to learn something from scratch, really dive into something. I couldn´t decide on any one thing, though, and besides, what also stopped me from giving in to this wish was the same sense of self-loathing I feel now. So that self-loathing itself is essentially useless. It stops me, that´s all. Whatever grain of truth it may represent (and it is not all that much truth, as I´ve shown above), I think it can be neglected as long as I do the right things now.

I took up that new path in order to fulfil an old wish. There may be two sides of me, but there is just one coin. My inner conflict is something that can be resolved, those two sides aren´t irreconcilable. I think solving it is a matter of intellectual effort and creativity, and maybe also experience. I guess after a few years among scientist I might find introspection isn´t so useless after all. It´s just a matter of doing both. Damn, I just hope I´ll be accepted!

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