Chronic guilt and depression

  • Waking up from a nightmare feeling momentary relief, then remembering that your nightmares only reflect what would happen to you for real if anybody knew your sordid secrets. You wake up knowing you´re cheating justice.
  • You go to work and feel guilty for deciding to function, as it is a way to escape the guilt momentarily. If you stayed home, though, you´d feel guilty for letting the people at work down and lying to them.
  • You genuinely cheer up for a second and instantly get mad at yourself for being so inconsequential.
  • You imagine seeking help and immediately feel guilty for wishing to waste someone´s time. The fact that you still imagine someone listening to you with genuine interest and compassion (as opposed to the professional edition) is grounds for ridicule. There´s only one reason to seek help: Because you really want help. You don´t even feel embittered as you ponder this;  a melancholic, cooperative resignation softens these thoughts. Being listened to is for better people, motivated people, not for idiots who cling to their disease, like you.
  • There´s always this fluttering, hollow feeling in your chest, like a wound sucking air. A knife seems to be the only thing that could fill it. You don´t even want to die – that would be way too melodramatic – it would just be nice if that feeling stopped already, and it´s not like you´d be a great loss.
  • The thought that other people might love you is terrifying.

 

 

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One Response to “Chronic guilt and depression”

  1. i’m so sorry someone (you) could feel this way. my heart is really breaking and tears are coming to my. really. no one is inconsequential. NO ONE. every person on this earth is of extreme importance and extreme value! We are all important. All that we are, all that we have experienced and all the we are going through is important to the survival of mankind. There is always someone there to listen to what you have to say because you have something to say. i’m listening. and just because i don’t answer or make some clever comment doesn’t mean i’m not listening. what i’m doing is giving you the space to express yourself. you writing this blog – people are listening to you.
    as for love. it is terrifying but it is also wonderful. you are more loved than you realize.
    life is a climb to the top of the highest mountain. i know. i’ve been climbing it for a long time and i’ve had to start from the bottom so many times it’s ridiculous. but each ascent gets easier and easier and i learn more and more about how truly wonderful i am. how valuable i am. you’re just starting the climb. put a helmet on and elbow and knee pads and you’ll do fine! 🙂

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